If I Am To Die Tonight

Trigger Warning – Suicide. 

Before you read this, please know I am in a much better place now. This was written a few months ago, when staying alive was a battle I fought daily. I wanted to share this to remind people that there are two sides to the story, suicide is something that fragments every part of our being into believing it is the only solution. Right at that moment, it sure doesn’t feel like there is another answer.

If I am to die tonight,

Please know I have fought hard.

The tears that I cry have become too heavy.

My heart no longer able to endure the pain.

Every part of me has tried, from my glistening eyes, that see the beauty of all that is around, to my ears that hear the gentle soft sounds of nature.

Words are no longer able to hold me, the foundation of all that life is has collapsed and crumbled, along with the small pieces of my soul.


If I am to live another day,

Please know I am not searching for attention but aching to find peace.

The worry your heart endures, I feel always.

Know that shattered pieces of my heart have been stepped on often. To the point that I am broken beyond repair.


If I am to die tonight,

Please know that I have reasoned with every thought that has needed to be reasoned with.

My mind has become in control of all that I feel and all that I know.

The fear that resides in me has been absorbed in every cell of my body.

My decisions no longer feel like they are in my control.


If I am to live another day,

Please know the love I receive is scarce.

All that I receive from my own being is hurt and blame. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

My negative thoughts take every vacancy in my mind.

Constantly unraveling every moment, every event, every word.


The destruction in this world has slowly taken my strength. The hatred pulls away my faith and  the pain etches away at whatever is left of me.




If you are worried about your or someone else’s mental health, the best place to get help is your GP or local mental health provider. However, if you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call 111.


You are not weak for asking for help, you are strong. This world does not need heroes, but the courage tone warriors


If you need to talk to someone, the following free helplines operate 24/7 in New Zealand:



LIFELINE: 0800 543 354

NEED TO TALK? Call or text 1737

SAMARITANS: 0800 726 666

YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 or text 234

Let me know what you think!