This poem was written on the couch of a friend’s in Wellington, having pushed away yet another friend the night before, I realised fear is the controlling emotion in my relationships. So this is for all the friends I have scared away, the ones I distance myself from and those who I do not let in too close.
I fear the words that I speak may poison your judgement of me.
The experiences I share may pierce your heart with disappointment.
My values and morals may be further away from the truth you hold so close to your chest, that it is too painful to accept.
I fear my reputation makes you look down on me.
My mistakes, my stories and all that I have gone through, they may cause you to feel shame within your bones.
However, they have molded every cell of me into the person that stands before you.
The same person that laughs with you, that looks up to you and the same person who wants to be accepted by you.
Allowing you to see all my scars, my demons and to feel the sharpness of the broken pieces of my heart.
They are the vulnerabilities that are capable of frightening you.
For those before you have been lost within, desperately searching for an escape.
I cannot trust that you will not want the same.
My walls have been built from fear, paved with resentment, and polished with paradoxes and catch-22’s.
For I fear judgement.
I fear all that stops me from letting you in.
I hope my fear flourishes into trust, and love.
I hope the days of worry are left for joy and presence in moments with you.
Until then, I am sorry for the power I have so easily given to fear itself.